i hate you.

you’ve spent the last 15 years raping us, mining our childhood for movie ideas to make a quick buck. everything old is “new,” with 3-D gimmicks, better computer graphics and hotter, one-dimensional actors. from tv shows to toys, we are definitely in the age of recycling.

sure, “Transformers” was alright but you ruined it with “Revenge of the Fallen.”  “Iron Man” was better than i expected but “GI Joe” was crap. “The A-Team” is going to be awful and you know it. coming soon: “The Neverending Story” and (the last fucking straw) “Clash of the Titans.”

i LOVED the 1981 clash of the titans. it was fun imagination fodder, a little bit scary, cheesy in a good way and is still great on a rainy saturday afternoon. now it’s going to get the “300″ treatment. liam neeson as zeus? i don’t buy it, and lawrence olivier he’s not. it’s even starring that guy from “Avatar” who couldn’t keep his accent straight through that film. the script is no doubt full of holes and it will likely not stay true to the original — other than chopping off a CG medusa head and releasing the kraken, of course. booo!

this isn’t just youthful nostalgia for me. i actually believed harry hamlin’s perseus was in constant peril and being generally screwed over by mythical gods. he was sincere in his quest to save his lady. the new version, with new characters and a new story, won’t be sincere. it’ll be popcorn-selling rapture for people who already have no appreciation for the classics. what you’re doing is turning something once beloved into a shadow of its former self. you must realize that there will now be an entire generation of people who will never see the original flicks because the tarted-up versions have more sex, more explosions and bigger budgets.

well, that’s it. i’m breaking up with you, hollywood. i’d rather spend my time (and money) with new ideas, fresh cinematic concepts and someone other than michael bay and his ilk. i know you don’t need my money but it’s independent films only until you start offering something original in the lucrative summer movie season. there must be thousands of writers hoping for a shot but no one in your town has a pair big enough to do something different. (sigh)

Photo from Warner Brothers.